The UN-Official ZUG Live FUQ ( Frequently
Unanswered Questions) To submit
questions and/or answers to this document, clickieclickie to send an email to Al.
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| • How long should I lurk
before posting?
• I'm new here. Why is everyone
so gosh-darn mean?
• How often can/should I
post?
• That guy/girl just told me to
fuck off and die--it all just one big scary joke?
• Why does everyone mock me when I use IM speak? I've used it
on AOL for years!
• Everybody acts like they
already know each other; are they just trying to make me feel left out?
• What is funny?
• What is not funny?
• Most
of y'all are so gosh-darned funny, but there's a few bad apples who're
like turds in the punchbowl. What's more, they're behavior borders on
flooding. How can these blights on the funny be eliminated so we can all
enjoy an asshat-free ZUG Live?
• As a female, I am
offended by repeated on-and-offline requests to "SMYT." What's the deal
with that shit?
• What is considered
"crossing the line?"
• Can I use ZUG Live as my personal, free therapy?
• Who are all those people in the photo album? Should I submit my picture, too?
• Why do I have to be 18 years old to post on ZUG Live?
• There's so many people posting here--how do I
get noticed?
• I've been here 3 weeks, and
everybody still calls me a n00b, how can this be possible?
• Will there come a day when I will have been on ZUG Live long
enough to enjoy more rights than others, more license, leniency, and
the power to quash any attempts by lesser ZUG Live-ers to change the site in
which I now have a greater virtual stake?
• What's
with the blue type and how do I do it?
• What
does X stand for?
• y's everybody so dwn
on emoticons is ths fckn plac
• Where does
ZUG Live come from, Mommy?
• What is means
words like aroungry, fagjack, and fap?
•
Is BobJohnson really as awesome as everyone says
he is?
• Why do people call me names when
I use a smiley face or emoticon?
• I posted a
link to my funny online column/site but no one liked it and teased me.
Whatever should I do?
• Why does it take
so long for my submitted article to appear on the site?
• Yeah, but what does Ditdah think? |
Q. How long should I lurk before posting?
A. Look out your window. See that
bright yellow orb floating in the sky? That's the sun. After it has gone
supernova and then burnt down to a cinder no bigger than a chihuahua's
head--that is when it is time for you to post.
Or you could read threads for a few days, get a feel for the place,
make with the funny, then hit that "submit" button. After a few months
of brutal hazing and possible brain and/or liver damage, you'll be a
regular and can join in the beatdown. Profit.
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Q. I'm new here. Why is everyone so gosh-darn mean?
A. Well, Billy, that's not an easy
question to answer. In short, some of of us are just assholes, or our
mothers never hugged us, or in the case of the n00b-haters, are assholes
with a bad history of being molested, abused, and/or made to work in
the spice mines of Kessel (or Rura Penthe, depending on how you roll).
In order to truly understand the vitriol and venom that many ZUG
regulars and veterans heap up unsuspecting newcomers, you would need to
study the ZUG Live archives and the holocubes of yore, you would need a
graduate-level background in the disciplines of psychology,
anthropology, andSTFU, n00b!!!!eleven!!!
Edit:
Before you go sulk in a corner, read what Ditdah has
to say.
(submitted by user Phuc)
Editor's Note: I have met the user known as Phuc and
I can say without fear of reprisal that he is a class A asshole--an
asshole's asshole, if you will. top
| Q. How often
can/should I post?
A. "Flooding"
is when an individual (be it human or bot) posts many humorless threads
in a short amount of time, often--though not always--with the goal of
pushing legitimate threads off of the board. A rash of 100 threads
touting the bonerific benefits of Cialis is an obvious flood, but what
about when a registered member of ZUG Live posts a dozen threads in an hour
about crap no one cares about, like "The supreme court banned farts in
revolving doors, " and "I had waffles this morning?" The debate rages on
about whether such threats to humor can be considered flooding, but We
the Collective say to you, dear n00b, that while such things are not
technical grounds for a banning, they are at best poor etiquette and at
worst a ticket to the level of hell where the pineapples have
flesh-eating earwigs in them.
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|
Q. That guy/girl
just called me a douchebag and told me to fuck off and die--did he/she
mean it, or is it all just one big scary joke?
A. Yeah, who the hell knows? The person who tells you
that he's gonna rape your cat and boil your grandma in her own urine
could be the nicest human being you'd ever meet--an upstanding member of
the community who gives to charity, has four children who are not
crated and who walked you through your last FDISK on the phone. On the
other hand, the happy little ZUG Live-er who sends out flowers on
everyone's birthday and types out swearbot words could have a basement
full of quicklime and decomposing prostitutes, spends their nighttime hours
disembowelling dogs, and gives browneyes to crippled midgets in the
elevator. Your best bet is to act like you're not offended and respond
with your best funny--a serious reply is a gauntlet thrown at the feet
of the collective. Maybe some day, we will see just
how hurtful we have been. We will realize that our lack of compassion
and empathy did nothing to make the world a better place--the true, pure
goal of comedy. We will shed our masks of pain and we will embrace the
concepts of love, laughter, and levity. ...else we shall surely perish.
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Q. Why does everyone mock me when I use IM speak? I've
used it on AOL for years!
A. There are a few
reasons for this behavior. Partly, it's because ZUG Live is populated largely
with pale nerdy thirty- and forty-something year old guys whose tastes
in humor and language have matured past the stage where 'd00dz!' and
'ROFLMAO' are acceptable forms of interpersonal communication. Also,
it's partly because we pasty old nerds actually took English classes way
back in seventeenth-century high school, and we want to feel better
than other people about it whenever the chance arises. Mostly, though,
its because there are a few smoking hot chicks hanging around
ZUG Live, and nobody ever got any pussy using retarded AOHell l33t-speak.
Dude, seriously. Come on.
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Q. Everybody acts like they already know each
other--are they just trying to make me feel left out?
A. One of the nice things about ZUG Live is that
relationships -- and reputations -- form very quickly. Post a few witty
rejoinders and soon, you may be invited along for chats and gatherings
and possibly even visits with other ZUG Live-ers. There may even be pie.
Conversely, act like a douche in your first few days in the community,
and you'll likely be ridiculed, or shunned altogether. It's also true
that many active users have been bantering for years together; snoop out
a few profiles to see who's been 'ZUG Live-ing since 2003',. or even 2001.
None of which answers your question, unfortunately. The answer is: yes,
every other person here is desperately trying to make you feel left
out. Frankly, it's the only way we can feel better about ourselves.
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Q. Will there come a day when I will have been
on ZUG Live long enough to enjoy more rights that others, more license,
leniency, and the power to quash any attempts by lesser ZUG Live-ers to
change the site in which I now have a greater virtual stake?
A. No. After you've passed through the initial gauntlet, you
are at an equal footing with everyone else. Pretenders to the throne
will themselves be quashed. QUASHED!!!
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Q. What is funny?
A. Some will say that only sophisticated, New Yorker-style
literary-humor is truly funny. Others are capable of responding only in
insults and tirades. Yet others are slave to the almighty orb. In the
end, if you think it's funny, post it. Be ready for
poop-slinging, back-stabbing, and the dreaded pat on the back. You don't
know until you try. Please do.
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Q. What is not funny?
A. Threads with titles/subjects like
"Ditdah, check your email!" or "How come I can't post in that thread?"
or the dreaded "today on cracked.com." These are things that either
belong offline (might we suggest an IM or email client for you?) or in a
dumpster. There are also the serious threads like "ZUG Live gets serious" or
"My grandma killed herself last night". ZUG Live should absolutely not
get serious. And while inside, we weep for your grandmother, publicly,
we shall mock her with neither mercy nor propriety.
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Q. Most of y'all are so gosh-darned funny,
but there's a few bad apples who're like turds in the punchbowl. What's
more, they're behavior borders on flooding. How can these blights on the
funny be eliminated so we can all enjoy an asshat-free ZUG Live?
A. Since ZUG Live values free speech, that
means that there is little recourse for dealing with those who, shall we
say, excercise too much freedom. One would hope that natural
selection would take over, but unfortunately Darwinism does not apply on
the Internet, especially when the bottom-dweller either has no clue or
doesn't care that it is crapping in everyone else's water supply. You
have five choices for dealing with these polluters: 1) join in the
futile war against them; 2) ignore them as best you can; 3) leave, as
many of our best have done specifically because of these skidmarks on
comedy's panties; 4) report abuse when you feel a line has been
crossed--these reports are taken seriously and steps are often taken to
make sure that ZUG is a place where God's little children can still
laugh without pain; 5) be relentlessly funny.
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|
Q. As a female, I am offended
by repeated on-and-offline requests to "SMYT." What is up with that?
A. We (males/interested females)
can't stop looking at your (females) goodies. It's like eating potato
chips: Once you get a taste, you can't stop. It's like planetary systems
for Galactus, recharging stations for Borg, the juice of safu for a
Mentat....
...I'm never gonna see them titties, am I?
(submitted
by user Phuc)
Editor's Note: User Neep has
submitted the following correction to the previous entry: "I think you
will find that the borg have regeneration alcoves rather thanrecharging
stations." While unofficial ZUG fact checkers have verified this
statement, since the request for change was not submitted with tittie
shots, the original entry will not be modified to reflect the
correction. top
| Q. What is considered
"crossing the line?"
A. On
ZUG Live, free speech rules. This is why you will find the kind of smut,
hate, and coprophillic pedophile jokes that would send moderators of
most online forums running for the pepto bismol and/or Ban Button. This
does not mean that Anything Goes. First, read ZUG's Ten
Commandments to get an idea of what flies and what doesn't. A good
rule of thumb to go by: If it'd make your mom give herself a
hysterectomy and your dad cut off his cojones, it'll probably getcha a
5orb. But if you think it'd get you a bitch slap in real life, don't get
all uppitty if it ilicits a negative reaction.
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Q. Can I use ZUG Live as my personal free therapy session?
A. Quoth the Mailman, in response to "I'm about to dump a lot of unfunny on you, so if you don't want any of it, leave the thread now or shut the hell up" :
No, I won't shut the hell up. You will not blatantly misuse ZUG as your personal LiveJournal and order people to remain silent about it. If you're not going to post content that is appropriate for ZUG, why should people limit themselves to posting only things that you judge appropriate in your threads?
ZUG is a comedy site and if you think you can post your sob stories on it without submitting yourself to ridicule, then you clearly don't belong here. I don't care what you have been through in your life and I don't want to know about it. I stopped reading after three paragraphs when I had a good enough understanding of where this fiasco was headed. It doesn't matter if you are telling a true story or making things up to get some sympathy; whatever it is you wrote after that, you will not get a free pass here.
You might think that you spent enough time here to burn some karma, but you're wrong. Not only don't you have any karma to burn in the first place, but not even the funniest contributors to this site could get away with an article like this one without being mercilessly ridiculed. Adding a retarded disclaimer like the sentence I quoted doesn't add an ounce of legitimacy or excuse to this post.
By posting this rant, I know that I am giving you exactly what you are looking for. The real sad story in your life isn't whatever it is you took the time to type up there, it's the fact that you thrive on negative attention just as much as you enjoy fuzzy sympathetic thoughts.
I sincerely hope that this content gets deleted from ZUG very soon and that you get a warning from the moderators for posting it.
top
| Q. Who are all those smokin' hot people in the
photo album? Should I submit my picture, too?
A. The photos in the album represent ZUG Live-ers past and
present who have chosen to share their mugs -- ugly or otherwise -- with
the rest of the community. This is very helpful in 'putting a face with
the name' when reading posts. It's even more helpful when trying to
identify the stranger waiting outside in your bushes wearing only
running shoes and a 'Marry Me!' sandwich board. Generally speaking, you
should consider submitting your picture if you feel comfortable with
other ZUG Live-ers knowing what you really look like. Since that should never
happen to any moderately sane person, you may also submit a picture
because it's the 'in' thing to do. All the cool kids are already in the
album. What are you, chicken? (info at the bottom of this page)
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Q. Why do I have to be 18 years old to post on ZUG Live?
A. The ZUG website operates under
the principle of free speech. As a result, the contents of ZUG Live feature
mature themes and coarse language. Since no one at ZUG Industries is
willing to take the risk of getting sued by an angry parent because her
teenage child was asked by the horny ZUG Live collective to show them her
naughty bits, children and teenagers are kindly asked to wait a few more
years before they join the community. Also, if you are under 18 and
reading this, chances are that you're probably just a zit-popping,
MTV-listening, fake ID-holding teenage moron. Nobody on ZUG Live is
interested in what you have to say, so you're better off posting on
MySpace anyway.
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Q. There's so many people posting here--how do I
get noticed?
A. You can get
noticed easily: SUYT. But if you want to be loved, don't
post unless you've got something funny to post. The revered vets are
revered because they've been around for a while, they respect the funny,
and they don't clog up the board with the comedic equivalent of a ten
pound grogan and a roll and a half of asswipe. And beware of
schtick--it's tempting, but chances are, it's been done before and
unless you want to end up a living joke, stay away from it. The path to
the dark side is easy.
|
Q. I've been here three weeks, and everybody
still calls me "n00b"--how can this be possible?
A. Many of the regular "players" on this board have
been here for years, some since the beginning. If you don't understand
the rarity of that in an on-line forum, then you are indeed a n00b.
Also, unlike most internet communities that don't involve 45
year-old men and 14 year-old girls, ZUG Live-ers tend to have an irrational
urge to physically meet each other on a regular basis. If they have not
met you (or at least gotten to know you on a personal level in an
off-board setting) then you need to be aware that you are new to the
group.
top
| Q. I
told the best joke about your mom/ my trip to Chuck E. Cheese/ my bowl
of spaghetti-o's in the cafeteria, and it was a laff-riot. When I shared
the same joke on ZUG Live, I was met with insults and/or indifference...
what gives?
A. ZUG Live-ers tend
to have a very specific sense of humor that is finely honed with years
of irony, dead-baby jokes, inside references, and shock links. If you
are offended by anything, you may want to leave. At the very least,
never tell anybody on ZUG Live about it, because anything you say will be
used against you...a lot. Your best bet is to hang around and quietly
observe the banter- your entré into the ZUG Live world will be much smoother
for it.
top
| Q. What's with the
blue type and how do I do it?
A.
Those are action tags. In order to be able to use them you need to
do one of two things. First, you can be BobJohnson, who by sheer mind
power can turn his font blue. Actually, you can never be BobJohnson so
scratch that. The only thing you can do is to remove your head from your
ass and remember what your teachers taught you in school. ALWAYS
READ ALL DIRECTIONS BEFORE STARTING THE TEST. Yes, this is a test.
Yes, you are being graded. If you suck we will let you know. But I
digress. The information needed to use the blue type, that are used to
show actions, is conveniently located in the instructions that you most
likely skipped through while signing up. Now don't you feel like an ass
for not paying closer attention?
(submitted by user Big Irish Guy)
Editor's Note: BIG believes in tough love. That's why he doesn't use
lube. top |
Q. What does X stand for?
A. X is for X, motherfuckers!
top |
Q. y's everybody so dwn on emoticons is ths fckn plac
A. Emoticons are lazy. They may be
common usage, and to be perfectly honest an understanding of them is
probably necessary if you want to communicate with the internet at
large. But that doesn't mean that their usage is desirable, any more
than the existence of Rascal scooters means that it is desirable to be
arthritic or ass-gantic.
Humour - especially humour
in language form - is dependent on subtleties of nuance. If you are
unable to convey such subtleties by word alone, then you will probably
not fully appreciate this site or the comedy on it.
Writers and comics have been expressing themselves clearly for untold
years without the use of "smilies" or "leetspeak". We refuse to do less.
Plus there is no emoticon for "Assfucks you with a
baby".
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Q. Where does ZUG Live come from, Mommy?
A. Many years ago, a man named John
Hargrave (or Jeff Hargrove or Kwaali Mfngumdbe, depending on the source)
made a site called ZUG, which
featured lots of funny involving poopoo, peepee, ca-ca, and computers.
When the demands of his offshore sweat shops and white slave trade
started cutting into his precious, precious leisure time, John searched
for a way to keep the funny going on its own. Thus was born the ZUG
message board--we call it ZUG Live (and some of us still call it by its last name of GAB)--where hundreds of users have done
John's job for him over the years (ten, to be exact-ish, though the user
profiles will only allow even the most elite of ZUG Live-ers to claim
membership since 2001). Hargrave now resides in a bunker hidden deep in
the mojave desert, building up his collection of small arms, hemmoragic
viruses, and hummel figurines.
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Q. What the hell is up with words like aroungry,
fagjack, and fap?
A.
The ZUG Live-er known as Napkin, before he retired to a sheltered life in a
tinfoil-covered tenement in an undisclosed midwestern city-state, was
generous enough to donate sizeable amounts of his inheritance from a
family goat-pimping enterprise to hire some questionable offshore
programmers to create the awesome GABtionary. Read
it. Learn it. There will be a test and failure is most assuredly not an
option.
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Q. Is BobJohnson really as awesome as
everyone says he is?
A. Yes.
(submitted by
the ZUG Live collective) top
| Q. Why do
people call me names when I use a smiley face or emoticon?
A. Because, ZUG Live is high brow humor. Poop
is funny. Farts are funny, but three dots and a parathesis is not. If
you have to use an emoticon to get your point across, please refer to FUQ #1.
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Q. I posted a link to my funny online column/site
but no one liked it and teased me. Whatever should I do?
A. Before posting your self-shilling
space-waster, you should have looked around a bit to see if your humor
would pass muster. If it does, link
away. More times than not, though, you will be mercilessly ridiculed
because that's just what we do when someone just comes along and whores
for hits. As is the case with n00bs who don't have a mind for
personal gain, you should post for a while. If it is made clear by the
regulars that you have been accepted into the community and you still
feel the need to be a festering whore, it may be safe to link to your
unfunny ramblings.
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Q. Why does it take so long for my submitted
article to appear on the site?
A.
Each submitted article goes through a reviewing and approval
process, which is actually pretty quick. Unfortunately, due to obscure
technical reasons, the ZUG.com editing team can only publish approved
articles if Halley's comet is in sight, or if no jokes about Skippy's
sexual orientation were made in the past eight hours. We thank you for
your patience.
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Q. Yeah, but what does Ditdah think?
A. Seriously new guy, many of us don't
have a problem with new people. You'll find that quite a few of the
long-time regulars both encourage and appreciate new blood. However, if
you've been on the Internet more than once (which I assume you have,
since you say you're an Internet DJ) you know that the 'net is full of
annoying retards who come think it's fun to show up on websites and
flood the boards with useless, annoying crap. We've had our share. We
still do. So we're a little weary of people we haven't seen before.
You
seem to be a good guy. You listened to people pointing out that we
insist upon good grammar, spelling, and punctuation here. Sure, there
are some people who get away with not doing that, but they've proven
themselves as valuable members. You haven't done that yet, so you need
to go above and beyond to fit in.
Don't get into serious fights, unless
you want to get shit on. This is a comedy site, not a discussion board.
There are plenty of other places to do that. You'll get all kinds of
holy hell for that here, and you won't be liked. Just try and be funny.
Listen to the advice of the regulars.
Don't get upset by someone calling
you a n00b - you are. Don't get too defensive - we're just trying to
make sure you have a thick enough skin to survive here. We hate having
to clean blood out of the rugs. That shit stinks, and stains like a
mofo. So chill a little bit, okay? And don't forget the most important
rule of all. See me for the goddess that I am. Praise me day and night.
Speak nothing but good about me. And send me half your paycheck each
week for the next 2 months.
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